It’s been a while since I wrote anything here, but I have some good news. I won’t try to kid you, the years have made me bitter since I lost Mr. Smiley Wiggles. I’ve put forth every effort to be the better man, to help and train future stars of the dolphin fighting world, but my heart never got over the loss of Mr. Smiley Wiggles. They tell you not to get too attached. You win some, you lose some. Well, my losing days are over, friends.

Deep in my dolphin fighting lab, I’ve been working on a new breed of dolphin over the past year, along with my hand-picked team of ruthless, amoral marine biologists, an ex-pat Russian geneticist named Nikolai Sidorov and my personal assistant, Delores Dimartino. With their help, I’ve crafted a new species of dolphin that will surely become world champion. I call him Helmut. This new breed is going to be unlike any on the current fighting circuit and Dr. Sidorov assures me that Helmut will be a dolphin worth reckoning with. Or, rather, not worth reckoning with? I can never remember. No matter. Here are some of Helmut’s finer details:

A hybrid bottlenose dolphin cross bred with nothing less than a goblin shark. That’s right, a goblin shark. They are scary as Hell and one nearly took my hand off on a deep sea diving expedition I do not wish to discuss any further under any circumstances.

Helmut also has a computerized brain built by the finest team of desperate, nearly-failing MIT students who needed the credits and are also ruthless and amoral. While they were at it, I had them replace his eyes with Nixie tubes – strictly for effect. Seriously, he doesn’t even need eyes thanks to the advanced sensor system the MIT lackeys built for him. It’s so advanced they actually give him the ability to predict his opponents’ moves. For real, the tubes just blink numbers and make him look awesome; that’s all they do.

Finally, here’s a picture of Helmut:

There are a few more features I’d like to share, however, as there are spies everywhere and I don’t want to tip my hand anymore than I already have, I’d like to keep them under my hat, for now… I think it’s safe to say we’ve raised the bar. Confidence is high.